Subscribe Feed (RSS)How is this part of my novel?
June 7th, 2010 by admin | Filed under Books & Authors.
( This is the middle of my novel DO NOT correct the grammer )
I looked out to the ocean the waves made a low sound as the summer breeze gave me slight goose bumps. “Come on, I want to show you something” Cecil said in a excited voice he took my hand and leaded me in silence to the deserted part of the beach in silence, that was the cue to let me know that the day I had spent with Cecil would either be complete or be a total fail. The water hit my ankles as he stopped and turned to me. “Crystal I had let you down before I had let everything happen to you that I swore on myself would never happen to you as long as I was around.” His eyes were soft as if he was about to tear himself, something I think I would be afraid to see him do it wouldn’t be in his character. “The times that you had been hurt had made me less of a man then you could ever imagine” he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small ring I couldn’t speak at the least breathe. I couldn’t do this; before I opened my mouth I saw that marriage wasn’t his objective. “This is to show you that I will always be right behind you whenever you want me Crystal I always want to be there for you I am truly sorry but” he bit his lip as if checking if the words he spoke were what he wanted to say, I guess even perfection in my view could have its mistakes. “I won’t let Bret or anyone else take you away from me.” He took my hand gently I was trying to not shake from the sudden felling of being someone’s need not just someone that was another person’s want. He slipped the ring on slowly like he was afraid I would reject it. I moved my hand slowly from his not sure how to react to this. Just act natural I said to myself afraid I would do something unexpected, well that wouldn’t be bad since Cecil wasn’t exactly the kind of guy you would find anywhere I was sure he liked verity but I would do something that would make me look like a idiot. I looked at the ring it seemed to be old there was a fine line of rust around the diamond that was the point of the ring, and then Cecil said something I didn’t expect. “There is another reason I gave you this ring” he started “if you can break that diamond with bare hands I will stop loving you.” He put his arms around me as I melted into them listening to the heartbeat that was the usually shallow kind Cecil always had I was sure he felt the great difference as he could fell mine, there wasn’t a inch to spare between us.
Tags: Goose Bumps, Grammer, Novel
it’s pretty good… i think i might read it if it get published…:)
I love it … I would definately read it if/when it gets published!!!!!!!
do you have the rest? lol that was very good actually =D
lovely. really lovely
I don’t even particularly want to start reading that, because it has absolutely no paragraphing. =s
Your grammar is really bad. But I won’t correct it.
aw thats really good!
just reading that made me smile…
i really like the desrciption u used, its just really nice to read!
its good… i have named my character crystal too…. coincidence?
answer mine?:.;_ylv=3?qid=20090620144532AAfbTyd
My opinion: It’s okay, I don’t really like romance novels but I would definitely advise proofreading, there are some errors.
Well, you say don’t correct the grammar, but you HAVE to understand that grammar is a huge part of writing. If you can’t at least try to use proper grammar, you will not get anywhere. That’s how it works, and if you’re serious about this story, then I suggest you sit down with what you have and edit the hell out of it and make sure you try to correct as many grammatical errors as you can. This excerpt really needs it, and I’m not saying that to be mean, but because I’m a writer myself and I’m just trying to explain it to you maturely and professionally.
As for the story, it’s boring. Again, I mean that on a professional level and not as an attack on you. If you weren’t okay with hearing that, then you shouldn’t have posted it. At least you’re not in a hard core workshop class where you have to deal with a room full of people who will do nothing but nit-pick every single detail and you can’t escape it until the class is over. Believe me, it can be hell.
The main problem with your story (besides the grammar, which really can be enough to bore an audience that wants to be intellectually engaged), is that it’s cliche. It’s all love-gushing and there’s nothing that really tells me much about these characters other than what you’ve given as an excerpt. I think because it is only a part (and a small part at that) of what I’m assuming is a larger story, we don’t have much with which we can work. But from what’s here, it just seems like bland romance. Here are some questions I had:
1) Why are they at the beach?
2) Why is this NOT a marriage proposal, and how does she “know” that it isn’t before he says anything?
3) Who is Bret and why does he matter?
4) What happened between Cecil and Crystal before this?
5) Why doesn’t Crystal say anything? It says that she “can’t breath, much less speak,” but really, wouldn’t someone in real life actually respond some way?
6) The “break the diamond with your bare hands” thing is really cheesy. No one really speaks that way, not really.
7) What exactly is the point you are trying to convey here?
I’m sure you can answer these, but if it’s not apparent in your writing, then the story has failed its purpose. I think what you need to do is have someone look at the whole story so you can know if you’ve done a good enough job characterizing your people so that you don’t need to explain it in this excerpt. Like you said, it’s in the middle of the story, but we can’t really appreciate it without knowing its origins, its beginning part.
You also need to work on your descriptions. I can’t picture ANYTHING here. The beach could look like anything. Are there rocks, a cliff side, beach trash, a boardwalk? Is it daytime? Nighttime? Are there other people on the beach? What does it smell like? What does it sound like? What does the sand feel like in between their toes? How warm/cold is the water? For goodness sake, what do the characters look like and how do they react to their surroundings? For example, is Cecil’s hair too long and he has to constantly brush it from his eyes because the breeze whips it around his face? What is he wearing? Would he be afraid of losing the ring in a pocket on the beach? You can see what I’m saying. There are way too many unanswered questions, and that’s what makes it seem cliched. There’s not much that makes it any different than the thousand of other beach-ring-love scenes out there.
I hope you’ve found this helpful. Writing is a long and arduous process. If you have any other questions, let me know!
I can’t NOT correct your grammar. I can’t actually read it unless I do. You can ignore it, but for my sake and the sake of all others trying to focus on the actual story so that they can give you a good critique, here it is.
——–
With very basic corrections–separated to make it easier to read:
I looked out to the ocean where the waves made a low sound as the summer breeze gave me slight goose bumps.
“Come on, I want to show you something,” Cecil said in an excited voice as he took my hand and lead me in silence to the deserted part of the beach. That was the cue to let me know that the day I had spent with Cecil would either be complete or a total fail(ure). The water hit my ankles as he stopped and turned to me.
“Crystal, I let you down. I let everything happen to you that I swore would never happen as long as I was around.” His eyes were soft as if he was about to cry, something I think I would be afraid to see him do; it wouldn’t be in his character.
“The times that you were hurt made me less of a man than you could ever imagine.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small ring. I couldn’t speak [the slightest] breathe. I couldn’t do this; before I opened my mouth I saw that marriage wasn’t his objective.
“This is to show you that I will always be right behind you whenever you want me. Crystal, I always want to be there for you. I am truly sorry but–,” he bit his lip as if checking if the words he spoke were what he wanted to say. I guess even perfection in my view could have its mistakes. “I won’t let Bret or anyone else take you away from me.”
He took my hand gently. I was trying to not shake from the sudden feeling of being someone’s need, not just another person’s want. He slipped the ring on slowly like he was afraid I would reject it. I moved my hand slowly from his, not sure how to react to this. Just act natural [I know you can't do italics], I said to myself, afraid I would do something unexpected. Well that wouldn’t be bad since Cecil wasn’t exactly the kind of guy you would find anywhere. I was sure he liked variety, but I would do something that would make me look like a idiot.
I looked at the ring. There was a fine line of rust around the diamond that was the point of the ring, and then Cecil said something I didn’t expect.
“There is another reason I gave you this ring” he started “if you can break that diamond with bare hands, I will stop loving you.” He put his arms around me as I melted into them, listening to the heartbeat that was the [usually] shallow kind Cecil [always] (redundant) had. I was sure he felt the great difference as he could feel mine (doesn’t make sense). There wasn’t a inch to spare between us.
———
Some of it is wordy without contributing anything to the story. Cecil’s dialogue was really bad in some parts (the second time he spoke). Ignoring the grammatical and spelling errors, the story is lacking a developed tone. Pay attention to your diction and syntax, and use any elements you can to build up the kind of mood you want this story to have. What feelings should the story be evoking? What words can you use to help you evoke that feeling? What should the setting be like?
There’s also a lot of telling and only a little bit of attempted showing. For instance, you say that the ring looks old instead of offering a description that would allow readers to draw their own conclusions about whether or not the ring was an antique. You do say that the ring was rusty, but that seems to suggest that the ring is in disrepair. The rust sort of makes it seem like the ring doesn’t mean much to Cecil, and it shouldn’t mean much to us. Even the word ‘old’ can have negative connotations.