asked:


I listened to a crazy woman on youtube the other day, Mary K. Baxter, who claims to have been visited by Jesus and given a tour of heaven and hell for no reason except the J-man must have been a little bored.

I’m used to this type of person, she was a big fat, pasty white southern woman with “high hair” and a tone of superiority in her voice (in Jesus’ defense if I had to pick somebody to drag through hell she would be on my top ten list too).

The hilarious part is that when she described heaven, everything she said was about materialism. The “pearly gates” were one enormous pearl (real creative right?) the streets were paved with gold, everybody was dripping with jewelry, Mary was wearing a dress made out of diamonds (obviously she values fashion over comfort, good call Mary), there were trees everywhere growing enormous pieces of fruit and running through the streets everywhere were “little black children” (that’s “southern-speak” for “look at me!, I’m not a racist”), and of course everybody had a soilid gold condominium.

It got me to thinking, “Do theists think of heaven as anything more than their savings account in the sky?” I know I know, “We get to be in god’s presence”, that’s the only non-materialistic thing I’ve ever heard about heaven and I don’t have the foggiest what it entails. So you get to stand there next to god (who you apparently can’t even get too close to because of his shroud of “unapproachable light” so you get to stand somewhere in the vicinity of god and pick fruit with black kids). That sounds fun, for like maybe three minutes, and then you sigh look at your 20 pound diamond watch and realize you have an eternity of this.

The hell part was even funnier, cliche all the way down to the red footy pajamas.

How do you people NOT realize that you’re being conned?